Xanga Featured Question: “After years of marriage, how do you keep the flames alive?”

I’ve been married 8.5 years. I’m happy to say that “keeping the flames alive” is not an important part of our marriage. The reason I’m “happy” to say that is because if you rely on romance and passion to keep a marriage going, then you’re doomed to fail. I believe that the rise in the divorce rate is driven by people basing their marriage on the wrong foundation of having to always be in romantic love with each other. And many divorces are caused by people who think they’ve fallen out of that loving feeling for the spouse. Rather, our marriage is based on commitment and an appreciation that the other person is better. And we also look to God to hold this family together. The success of our marriage is not in how passionate we get, but in how we rely on God to lead us through the storms and the difficult times. It’s true that you should seek to change yourself instead of changing your spouse; and in our marriage, the power to change ourselves comes from God.

BTW, I highly recommend the books “Sacred Marriage” and “Devotions for a Sacred Marriage” by Gary Thomas.


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5 thoughts on “Xanga Featured Question: “After years of marriage, how do you keep the flames alive?”

  1. I think you give a very good and encouraging answer to this question.

    What man can do is really very limited. But with prayers, things change amazingly.

    Keep on glorifying God with your marriage.

    May God bless your family.

  2. I saw this question on the xanga front page and the first thought that came to mind was how you’d answer this…

    thank you for yet another inspiring post.

    but my question for you is this: how did/does Chase play a role in your relationship? I’m sure we all know of some couples who, after having kids, only communicate because of them. Their lives seem to only be strung together for the kids… Was that something you ever came across?

  3. Yilam: thanks

    Lo3: excellent question… is that something we ever come across? Yes, only every day. And I’m not kidding. In fact during Wendy’s pregnancy she had a lot of fear that after Chase is born that I would place Chase before Wendy. Sometimes when Wendy and I have arguments or marriage issues, that fear will pop up again. While the child will always grab so much of your attention, you have to understand in your heart that parenting doesn’t happen without a strong marriage. And family is not what you do but who you are.

  4. I think that you should always prioritize your spouse before your kids because your kids rely on the two of you and if the two of you can have a solid foundation together with God, then your kids will always be cared for.  Otherwise, if a spouse feels neglected, trouble can arise that will not only affect your marriage, but will also affect the children and the family as a whole.

    P…an appreciation that the other person is better” — I like that.  =]  Thank you for providing your input and God bless!

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